<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Waiting for a friend by yourphosiegirl</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22592392">Waiting for a friend</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourphosiegirl/pseuds/yourphosiegirl'>yourphosiegirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Legacies (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Angst, Character Death, Deception, Depression, Diary/Journal, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Lung Cancer, Mentions of Cancer, Not Happy, Sad, Tears, Waiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 13:54:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,107</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22592392</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourphosiegirl/pseuds/yourphosiegirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Diary is a book in which one keeps a daily record of events and experiences. This is Josette's diary where she talks about her feelings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Unhappy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's different type of writing of mine but I hope someone enjoys. </p>
<p>Most of the time will be her writing in the diary. It's sad. She's waiting for a friend to come a get her out.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Dear diary,</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>Today's word is <strong>unhappy. </strong></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Unhappy. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Adjective. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Meaning not happy or just sad.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Word that defines me many days.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Word that defines me today. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Word that maybe, I said maybe always defined me...</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm tired and in need of cigarettes. I know it's not ok yet I am addicted to a lot of bad things like:</p>
<ul>
<li>To please everyone else putting my needs aside</li>
<li>The urges to pull out my hair when I'm stressed (constantly)</li>
<li>Alcohol</li>
<li> And sugary drinks, mostly. </li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p>I even started to tremble until I had finished five milkshakes with some gummy on top. Yep, I can't function without sugar. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just one more bad habit to add to my pile. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, today was not a great day. I don't think I gave anyone a real smile. I've wandering  around the school all day because Lizzie's planning her birthday. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I mean, <em>our birthday. </em>I didn't gave her opinions because she didn't need them and I actually had some. It hurts that she's planning everything at her taste. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope even pointed that out and made me shiver, Lizzie wasn't happy with her snarky comment. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's alarming, honestly, how much selfish she is and even weird how affects me. Well, not actually. I'm constantly conflicted about everything and everyone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lizzie's behavior today wasn't the best and it's not the first time. She's been moody those days and I honestly have no idea what to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have no idea how to help her because I don't even know how to help myself right now. She's upset that mom's not coming and I told that it's fine. That we have each other. In rage she said to me "<em>Its not enough and never will.</em>" I know she didn't meant it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm feeling useless and I hate myself. I don't want to do anything. Everything hurts and I can't help but feel sad all the time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dad's not really helpful, he caught me smoking yesterday and didn't argued or grounded me and I know why: it's because he <strong>doesn't care</strong>. He only looked at me and told me to go get Lizzie because she had a mental breakdown.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mom's pretends to be doing her best traveling and all but she is avoiding us, I know that she won't find a cure for the merge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Which by the way, they don't know that I know. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And I feel what she's doing. Being away and not seeing us makes easier when it's time and she comes back to one daughter only. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wanted to tell her that I know I'll be dead in a few years so she spends so time with us.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>That would made Lizzie happy</em>!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I honestly don't really care that I'll die. No, I'm relived! My mind is not okay because I'm tired of living with this codependency.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes I feel the urge to fight and whenever I give this urge a voice it makes someone unhappy and I don't like that and I can't talk to anyone about that because they would say I'm not okay. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I want a friend to talk. To drink with. To do what friends do. I would <em>love</em> to have someone to listen to me again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Most of the things in theory are easier to do but when it comes to doing it, it's really hard. Lizzie would flip everytime I tried to make a friend when we were kids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything went down when I dated Penelope. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lizzie would crash anything if I forgot to do something for her especially if she thought that I was with Penelope instead of doing it. And I actually felt bad every single time it happened.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know it's bad but I can't stop myself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One side of me wants to lay down and don't do anything and the other screams in need to not be alone and feel extremely guilty for being slightly selfish and not being helpful. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yeah, I know it's wrong and Lizzie might take advantage of it but she doesn't do that often, right? She needs help, support and only gets from me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm doing everything I can and it's not enough! What else can I do? I love her and I want her to be happy because I know how much sucks to be sad all the time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I fear that she feels lonely because it's one of the worst feelings.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I fear that I'm not enough to anyone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wanna do something. I wanna travel the world before it's late. I wanna be someone and I simply can't. It's horrible. I want things that I can't even do myself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>At least I can see it but it kinda makes worse that I recognize it because I'm not stopping. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's not that I don't want. It's that I <strong>can't</strong>. It's the only reason I wake up every damn day. I wanna be in peace with myself but I'm not sure if I ever will. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's so tiring.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If she sends for me I know I'll go without any doubt.</p>
<p>If she calls for me I know I'll run right away to her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only satisfaction I get it's when she's fine with something but she's almost never one hundred percent happy with anything. She changes her mind a lot so it's really hard to make her happy but it's fine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now it's night and as exhausted as I am I can't sleep. I beg her sometimes to not leave me alone to sleep because when I'm alone I simply can't. This night I even borrowed, without Lizzie's knowledge, some of her sleeping pills, and I took three today and nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lizzie's currently sleeping with Rafael probably. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wanna sleep but I can't. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>I think I'll go smoke for a bit until I feel like I'll sleep.</em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's not easy for me to talk about this and I mostly run when people point out what's happening. Yeah, it's not healthy but I can't stop or explain to anyone so I don't want to talk about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There's nothing to talk about actually. It's sick but I'm dying in four years because of my coven but it's fine as long as my twin lives.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm a mess.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lizzie needs to be happy and that's why I love her. Love is powerful. I love all her flaws and all her qualities. One things for sure, is that I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I believe that I'll be happy and loved but not now. It's sad and feels like I've been living locked up but it's fine, I guess.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>I'm waiting for my friend to come and get me out.</strong> </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Is this happiness?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Today's word is Happy</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Adjective</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Means feeling satisfied or content with something. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Mood that I don't get a lot.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Feeling that strikes once in a while. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tomorrow I have a family dinner. Mom is coming home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I guess I'll have a break.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But I didn't really told you why, huh? He was yelling at me again, I'm tired of it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He talks about me as if I wasn't in front of him, in fact, I think he pretends I'm not there, it makes me sick.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dad was on verge of getting me grounded because I wad supposed to be with Lizzie last night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was on the phone with Mom and she'll be here tomorrow. We are getting the talk. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fucking again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He caught them on the gym and that's my fault? I guess it is. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I tried to explain, but he never believed me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can't live with that anymore. This voice echoes in my mind a lot saying,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-<em>You won't survive if you keep living this way</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And I believe it!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Because I won't. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I cried so much that I only stopped because there weren't any tears left to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I feel sick and overwhelmed by everything. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just want some quiet time but Lizzie kept complaining about the smell on my hair today and how ridiculous the new students are.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She thinks I was around the boys when they were smoking but it was actually me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes I can't believe how she doesn't pay attention to me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But it's alright.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I snuck out and I'm in the roof smoking and of course with my milkshake. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's kinda ok here, I get to see Hope taking her clothes off earlier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yeah.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her wolf is pretty. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It distracted me until I started to cry again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>  Dear diary,</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Don't be jealous, I'm typing on my notes but I'll write that down once I get my chance. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>You see, I need to speak but I can't! So I'm here</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Asking for help but they don't hear me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm typing in front of them with a fake smile on my face. At this restaurant table, thinking only of how to get home to cry until I fall asleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They keep killing me with words over and over. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mom doesn't  look me in the eye. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My heart aches, I can't describe how I feel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't wanna be happy all the time, I probably don't deserve but once a week wouldn't hurt...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I keep holding my tears waiting for Lizzie go to the bathroom with Mom so when they come back I go alone to cry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dad looks so disappointed tonight. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He gave me a weird look when I tried to open my mouth but nothing came out as usual. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>You can say that I developed some issues talking to people because whenever I do, they criticize me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My opinions are worthless and I know.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bottling up is the way to go.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But sometimes I question myself,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Is this what I want for my next few years of life?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>From what I read on books the answer is no.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I need to break free.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But I can't. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I need get out of this damn life, I can't take it anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But I feel trapped. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am trapped by my worst fears. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My reason to stay is fear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Love too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I love Lizzie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I love my mom.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But they would probably say I have no reason to be unhappy, so the question is,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Is this happiness?</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See ya.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Please</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>..</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi. Back again. Small one but another is coming.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't have any words for you today.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have a request to anyone who will read this once I'm gone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You will know what I mean.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Soon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So hear me out. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>To live. What would that be? In the literal sense, to live is to have life or existence but I'm not talking about that, but about enjoying life.</p><p> </p><p>Your life.</p><p> </p><p>It's real meaning is within each one of us.</p><p> </p><p>Living is doing something that interests <strong>you</strong>, doing something you enjoy.</p><p> </p><p>I know I'm being a huge hypocrite saying this, but please hear me. </p><p> </p><p>I'm broken.</p><p> </p><p>I don't have repair. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You have.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It does not matter if you like to be at home alone watching something.  There's nothing wrong with that.</p><p> </p><p>If people, <em>friend as you must call,</em> tell you to go to parties and clubs if you don't like it, it is <strong>wrong.</strong></p><p> </p><p>If it makes you uncomfortable is not ok.</p><p> </p><p>You will be there "living" what others want, not what <em>you want</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Do what you want!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Do what you feel safe doing as long as it does not harm anyone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If you want to stay at home, stay, if you like to go out, leave.</p><p> </p><p>Don't do what people impose on you.</p><p> </p><p>This is a request.</p><p> </p><p>I'm asking you, in fact, begging.</p><p> </p><p>It sucks to be what people want from you and I say from experience.</p><p> </p><p>If that gets out of hand, your life will not be yours and in the future you may regret it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As I have.</p><p> </p><p>So I leave you a question, <em>what is living for you?</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'll finish this soon, if anyone is reading at all.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What's your biggest fear?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Today's words is Fear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Verb.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Means to be afraid of something or someone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I feel it daily. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hate it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>We all have fears.</p><p> </p><p>I actually have many, but most of the things I feared have already happened to me.</p><p> </p><p>My paranoia just grows. My fear is making me going crazy. If that hasn't already happened.</p><p> </p><p>I feel weird.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Everyone around me doesn't seem to care about my feelings and I can't do anything about it except to fear and hide.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I am getting sicker than ever and all I want to do is die because then I will have peace.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Or not.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Who knows. I'm not that lucky. Never.</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Now is around 2 in the morning and I'm having the last cigarette I have with me.</p><p> </p><p>My brain cries for more but I can't go to my room without getting caught on Emma's round.</p><p> </p><p>I have to wait. </p><p> </p><p>So I am here at the roof finishing it.</p><p> </p><p>Lately I haven't been feeling well, not emotionally but physically.</p><p> </p><p>My body seems of.</p><p> </p><p>I tried to talk to Lizzie and she didn't mind.</p><p> </p><p>I feel breathless. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes my chest aches really bad.</p><p> </p><p>I haven't eaten in two days because nothing will stay there.</p><p> </p><p>I feel tired all the time and my leg hurts when I walk around too much.</p><p> </p><p>So I went to the nurse and she told me that I needed to see a doctor because something is wrong. She took my blood and I'll have the results on Friday so I'll take to my appointment. </p><p> </p><p>She seemed worried and it was weird.</p><p> </p><p>I'll have to go alone because Dad can't go with me and Lizzie doesn't like going.</p><p> </p><p>But it's probably a cold, I don't know, I'm coughing a lot.</p><p> </p><p>I'll tell you as soon as I find out.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>    <em>Dear diary,</em></p><p> </p><p>I woke up coughing blood today. </p><p> </p><p>I went straight to the nurse she brought me to the Hospital. </p><p> </p><p>They made so much exams, my dad's going to kill me if is nothing.</p><p> </p><p>So they told me that they couldn't tell me what I have without my parents. </p><p> </p><p>I waited.</p><p> </p><p>And was really surprised when Hope came in, as my family, but not as much surprised than when I heard the results. </p><p> </p><p>And they finally told me what I have.</p><p> </p><p>I'm dying and apparently I don't have much time.</p><p> </p><p>Guess I'll have what I deserved,</p><p> </p><p><em>Peace</em>.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So what?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's a sad story.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p>
  <em>Dear diary, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Today's word is death</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Noun.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Meaning the end of the life of a person.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Or something.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Well, I don't know how to feel.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Death.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Death</strong>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Death</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="u"> Death</span>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What to talk about? It means definitive interruption of the life of an organism. However, not everyone have the same opinion so, </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Death can mean freedom for those who are in constant pain in a life full of misfortunes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong> Death</strong> can mean sadness for those who are left behind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Death </em>could mean a fresh start for somebody. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="u">Death </span>can mean eternal peace.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am still waiting for my friend to finally help me obtain my freedom, so yeah, maybe deep down, I said maybe, my friend's name has 5 letters and several meanings.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As my disease gets worse I feel anxious. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ready for it but not quite.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The idea of dying doesn't not scare me, the idea of the eventual oblivion does.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't want to go without making a difference, so I spelled you, diary. As soon as I die, you'll be at the hands of the best person in the whole word.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope Mikaelson. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I trust her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She did everything she could and I'll be forever grateful. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have a  lot o poems, as you well know, and I expect her to publish it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know she will.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wanna be Immortal,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>but not in flesh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I do not accept to become a vampire because I know the merge will happen. So of I'm dying now, it has a reason.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I want the world to be a better place. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Quiet things should be heard. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They should have heard me when I cried for the past years. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My cries for help never ceased.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Besides everything, I wanna mean something to someone. It's a human desire that never left my thoughts. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything would be different if I made a decision but fate is fate.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm still at the hospital, they keep me here full on medicines for the pain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After the final results of the biopsy among the lung cancer stage IV diagnosis, it had spread to my thighbone, I refused to do the chemotherapy, once they said it was terminal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They had a psychologist then a psychiatrist to talk to me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They gave me eight to twelve weeks without chemotherapy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Six to nine months if I did, so I refused it. My dad seemed hurt somehow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My decision is not selfish. I believe it isn't. I not starting treatment just to live a couple of months, taking out the fact that there are risks that it won't work at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wondered if mom knew or if Lizzie knew. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Since I'm dying, I'm gonna admit, my dad is an ass.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have been alone her for five days.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The nurses are nice, some of then snuck me milkshakes. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm tired. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's been twenty-two days since my arrival to the hospital.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mom knows and she didn't took well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For a moment, I thought about saying that she was going to lose me anyway but that was too harsh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the past six days she's been here with me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She cried.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Told me about the merge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cried again when I told her I wasn't doing the treatment. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I told her I knew about the merge and she cried even harder that day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope send me daily texts asking how I am.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once in a while, I answer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I asked my mom if I could spend the day on the school and she agreed for me to go there in a couple of days, so she went to talk to one of my doctors. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just want to see the school one last time. </p>
<hr/>
<p>  <em>Dear diary,</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I went to the school today.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was eventful. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Guess my appearance shocked everyone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am really pale, I admit. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But I underestimated my parents lack of empathy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I walked slowly with my stick, doctors orders because of my leg, through the corridors and remembered the things I did there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I guess of the reasons the doctors let mme go there was because they thought it would change my mind about the chemo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yeah, so when I got to our room, Lizzie was there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I found out that they never told her. They said I was busy doing something.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She got really upset. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I could see the confusion on her face seeing me get in there barely walking and looking not so alive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I told her everything, lied about a thing or two.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We stayed in bed until mom hot there to take me back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mom helped me to get to the garden.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope happened to be there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh, she has the prettiest smile I've ever seen and I am not even talking about her amazing hair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She seemed sad, though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope has lot a lot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the middle of the whole crying she promised to go there every day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I guess I mean something to her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>I smiled today</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Between a sea of tears, I smiled today.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See ya.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's almost time.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Today's words is pain,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Noun.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Means physical suffering by illness or injury.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Is what I am feeling lately. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I've been here for thirty seven days. I'm not feeling any better.</p><p> </p><p>Have you ever had that feeling that your body screams to go out, but your mind screams to stay?</p><p> </p><p>That's exactly how I feel.</p><p> </p><p>This has been troubling me lately since I layed in this hospital bed after going to school. I don't understand very well, for some time now I got a panic attack about leaving here again.</p><p> </p><p>I can't get out of the hospital anymore because from the moment I think about this possibility, my mind freezes and demands that I don't leave.</p><p> </p><p>My body on the other hand tells me to leave, tells me to be free. That my pain will pass, but I don't know.</p><p> </p><p>Who should I obey?</p><p> </p><p>I do not know... I think my mind knows what is best for me, just as my body does. So that causes confusion when trying  to decid.</p><p> </p><p>Also I'm still grateful because my mom wants me to feel better, but she dragged my dad here the other day how can I tell them that I don't feel comfortable around him?!</p><p> </p><p>Would they understand? Probably not. Would dad be me at me for saying that? Yes.</p><p> </p><p>I can't take this anymore! It is very stressful, it is very confusing. What should I do? Should I inform someone? Should I be quiet? Should I swallow it all dry? Don't know.</p><p> </p><p>I just want to be free.</p><p> </p><p>I don't want to feel stuck with any obligation.</p><p> </p><p>Is it too much to ask? I just want to have someone who loved me and didn't judge me.</p><p> </p><p>I might even be free before, but I was too stupid when I obeyed them.</p><p> </p><p>I wanted to believe that it's never too late but it is.</p><p> </p><p>I gotta accept it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I don't want to lower my head anymore. I don't want to have to obey anyone, even if that someone is me. I don't want to and I won't.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I'm almost free.</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I've chicken out. Lol.</p><p> </p><p>Yeah, I couldn't tell them but after writing here I felt slightly better. </p><p> </p><p>Might be the medications. Who knows?</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, today Hope kissed me.</p><p> </p><p>It was a pity kiss probably. </p><p> </p><p>Not that big deal.</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it brought some joy on my sad days.</p><p> </p><p>Mom's pretends that I'm always getting better as if when I finally get out of here, I won't be in a coffin but whatever floats her boat. </p><p> </p><p>Also, I got a slice of pumpkin pie from Nurse Denise. She's great. She helped me wash my hair few days ago.</p><p> </p><p>I just found a nice song on spotify. It made me rethink a lot, my favorite part is,</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Lately I've been thinking it's just someone else's job to care</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Who am I to sympathize when no one gave a damn?</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I've been thinking it's just someone else's job to care<br/>Who am I to wanna try but..</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>Change really is a powerful thing. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p><p> </p><p>I've been here for eight weeks now. </p><p> </p><p>I am not okay.</p><p> </p><p>Had two respiratory failures and now I gotta wear this stupid oxygen mask. The doctors says that I might have less time than they thought. </p><p> </p><p>I feel anxious. </p><p> </p><p>Lizzie doesn't wanna talk to me.</p><p> </p><p>Now I wanna leave this place.</p><p> </p><p>I want this to end.</p><p> </p><p>I overheard Hope crying to my mother when she came to visit me.</p><p> </p><p>I can't do this anymore. </p><p> </p><p>The sooner this ends, the better. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See ya.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Immortal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>That's it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p>
  <em>Dear diary,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Today's word is <strong>Immortal</strong></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Adjective</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Means never dying, living forever. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Something I could never achieve. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once I wanted to be immortal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once I dreamt about seeing and doing all kinds of things, all of this is behind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But now I just can't wait to be in peace.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My day is really close, I can feel it. So here's my goodbye. I won't be writing anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Today I asked Hope to read me some of my favorite poems and she did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My mother was busy with Lizzie, she had an episode today, so Hope came to stay with me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She's currently getting lunch for herself and I'm here waiting for my time to come, like every day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I took this time to write and register my favorite poem from Robert Frost.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p><strong> <strong> <em>Some say the world will end in f</em> </strong> </strong> <strong> <em>ire,</em> </strong></p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>Some say in ice.</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>From what I’ve tasted of desire,</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>I hold with those who favor fire.</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>But if it had to perish twice,</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>I think I know enough of hate</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>To say that for destruction ice</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>Is also great</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <strong> <em>And would suffice.</em> </strong>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
</blockquote><div>
  <p>I smiled today.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Hope's company is the best. </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Except when I realize how sad she is.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>She's probably coming back by now.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>So it's official.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>I finished and casted the spell and wrote a note to appear in her room among some of my stuff.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>I'm not immortal in flesh, but I want to believe that I'm immortal in words.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>I wanted to thank Elizabeth Saltzman for being the best sister.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>I wanted to thank Hope Mikaelson for being the bestest friend I could ever asked for, I just wished we became friends earlier. </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>I wanted to thank Caroline Forbes for being the best mother she could and I liked her to know that she did what she could.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>And I liked to thank myself for doing everything I can. </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>Goodbye.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>With love,</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>yours Josette. </em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had to get this out of my chest. I liked the idea so I did it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>